Friday, April 10, 2009

BEDA 10: The Ex Files

Yesterday, during my 40 Random Facts blog, I mentioned that my ex is marrying the guy she cheated on me with. Yeah, fun fact to know. Wanna know how I found out about it? Email.

I received an email, from said ex, a couple weeks ago. In this email, a few things were made abundantly clear.

1: Alice, my ex, is insane.
2: She misses me (Which, you know, doesn't matter, but is nice to know)
3: I need to stop dating people I'm attracted to, it only leads to pain.

"Hey Anthony,
I know we haven't talked in awhile, and I'm sorry for the way things ended between us, but you were a really good friend and a great listener and I could use someone like that right now. Kevin (Cheat boy) and I are getting married (wow, way to ease into that one) and (wait for it) since you are so artistic, I was kinda hoping you might want to help me plan the wedding.

I don't know if you have time for that right now, since we haven't talked since everything happened, but I really hope you could find it in yourself to help me out.

Love (HA!)
Alice"

...

I mean, really?

Hey, I know I cheated on you and you had to find out by walking into Walmart and catching me making out with the guy, but, no hard feelings, right? Listen, I'm a nice guy, but I'm not *that* nice.

This is a continuing trend in my life. Let's make a list, shall we?

Carrie, who tried to make me move away with her to her college town after 2 weeks of dating and punched me in the face when I said "No."

Jolene, who moved back to Germany 6 months after we were dating and told me she was moving the night *before* she left.

Annie, who, after we were jumped by 3 Hispanic men with knives in an alleyway (that I fought off), told me I was scary and we couldn't date anymore, then JUMPED INTO HER CAR AND DROVE OFF. Yeah, nothing like taking a bus home from that, showing up to work an hour and a half late with one eye swollen shut, covered in cuts and bruises, and trying to explain to your boss that you *already* spoke to the cops and were fine to work.

Yeah, my dating history is a field of land-mines, complete with bits of me blown about by crazy people I have chosen to attempt to love.

You know, none of this is exactly making me excited about trying to find another one of you girls...

Celibately Yours,
Anthony

8 comments:

  1. First of all, don't give up on girls, we're not all THAT insane.
    Secondly (yes, I know that doesn't align well with "first of all," but I can't be bothered to type out "second of all." And yes, I am aware that I did, indeed, just type it out anyway, but now it's just a matter of principle.)- SHE DROVE OFF WITHOUT YOU??? Holy crap. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT???
    Third and foremost (now I'm just making crap up), you need to be attracted to a better class of girls. Try Nerdfighters. They're Made of Awesome, you know.

    ReplyDelete
  2. First of all, don't give up on girls, we're not all THAT insane.
    Secondly (yes, I know that doesn't align well with "first of all," but I can't be bothered to type out "second of all." And yes, I am aware that I did, indeed, just type it out anyway, but now it's just a matter of principle.)- SHE DROVE OFF WITHOUT YOU??? Holy crap. WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT???
    Third and foremost (now I'm just making crap up), you need to be attracted to a better class of girls. Try Nerdfighters. They're Made of Awesome, you know.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sure, you give me access to a ready supply of cute, single nerdfighterettes and I'm on it.

    I'd much rather date a geeky girl, so I could, you know, have things in common with them. It's not for lack of trying, trust me. They just don't appear in public the way I'd like.

    I feel like a nerdy(-er) Steve Irwin, hunting for delicate, female nerdfighters in their natural habitat: The Internet.

    *shrug*

    Also, I'm insane. Just throwing that out there...

    ReplyDelete
  4. HAHA! Well, you got it right in one. The internet. Of course, that's not very helpful, because the Nerdfighter girls you find there will most likely live far away from you.
    You might have to go for a Nerdfighter who doesn't KNOW she is a Nerdfighter.
    Maybe try the library? :)

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  5. Should I wear a sandwich board with messages like "Desperately Seeking Nerdfighter" to local clubs and/or bars?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Try for something more subtle. Like, a flashing sign on your back that says "DFTBA." Or, even better, "Best Wishes!"

    ReplyDelete
  7. I still wanna make my nerdfighter sign shirt someday. Or you know, buy it from somebody with said shirt-making technologies. I drew it on myself for my "cartoony me" pic

    http://anthonyharrissketch.deviantart.com/art/Webcomic-Anthony-97242825

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yes! That shirt is AWESOME!
    I just realized, I don't own a single Nerdfighter shirt. How depressing.

    ReplyDelete