Thursday, April 16, 2009

BEDA 16: Dancevampbie

I used to have this friend, Sam, who was a Vampire. I say *was*, because, oddly enough, when you friend eats one-too-many of your dates and you lock him up in a closet for awhile, they become these ghoulish, zombie-esque things, which are hardly fun to have around at all.

We used to go dancing together , me trying to hit on girls, Sam *literally* hitting girls when they complemented him on his translucent, glittering skin before trying to consume them in parking lots and bathroom stalls before I would notice he was gone and drag him back out to the dance floor.

Now Sam just dances to Michael Jackson's Thriller and songs in the Miley Cyrus-ouevre. I have no idea why, I tried to ask him about it, but the colorful ramblings he had before, like "Let me out of this closet, so I can eat your face," have been replaced by throaty moaning and words that rhyme with "Brains."

Really, it's just sad. Sam was something of a soft-shoe artiste before the whole "Zombie" thing. Now, he hardly dances at all.

He's something like the WB frog now, dancing only when it's just Sam and me. The rest of the time he's hissing and pawing at any passing person I bring by, which, I'll tell ya, is hell when my Grandmother visits.

You would think he'd appreciate me giving him a place to live, what with the lack of sunlight, comprehensive reading materials, and a collection of work shirts, which he seems to love to gnaw on, that he'd be satiated, but NOOOOOoooOOOO. He's gotta break out at night and try to eat the neighbors Chihuahua.

Fun Fact: You think taking care of dogs is hard, try a half-pound Chihuahua, named Sparkles, that shakes like nobodies business and moan/growls at you while trying to both hump and eat your leg.

Anyway, I think I'm going to try to let them out in the woods again tonight. Sure, last time I got a hefty fine and had to take some classes on pet care at the Y, but this is really not working out for me. That, and I really need my shirts for work...

Till Next Time,

P.S. Some of the things written above might not be 100% truthfull.

1 comment: