Been 20 days since my last post. I spent the requisite time mourning my life and feeling sorry for myself, now I'm just making plans to change my life.
My job is crap. I hate being a phone monkey, I hate talking for 8 to 12 hours a day and never actually *saying* anything, and I hate the fact that they expect me to work mandatory overtime but keep taking off the time on the schedule. I could moan and babble about it, especially since I just deleted a ten-minute rant about the whole overtime thing, but it's not worth it. I am not that job. I will not be there forever. Who I am is more than what I do in order to eat & have a place to live.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself of simple facts like that. It's just a job and it's not the only one I will ever have. I have a dream that is achievable. If I work hard enough, I can get there.
"If you build it, they will come"
I know, I'm threading the needle on the sanity issue, but it's true. No one is forcing me to be where I am, my decisions are my own to make and no one is going to stop me from making the wrong ones. When you realize you are on the wrong path, stop! Look around you, find your own path or blaze your own trail. Sure, it'll hurt, but it's all worth it in the end, right?
I'd rather be a happy failure than a miserable mess of a human being who never tried. I'll take the scars, all the best scars come with their own stories.
On a *completely* unrelated note, I think I'm going to attempt Maureen Johnson's "Blog Every Day April." Basic concept? You blog every day for the month of April. Complicated, right? Anyway, here's to seeing if I have anything of interest to say for 30 days straight of blogging.
Guess I'll talk to you Tomorrow,
Anthony Harris
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Epiphany
I'm a pretty intelligent person. That fact is, perhaps, my biggest downfall. I am a good speaker. I can weave excuses together into a tapestry of reasons why I should not or can not do the things I truly want.
My words are a trap, I use them to keep myself exactly where I am, even if that place is one that makes me fucking miserable. Afraid of change, afraid of truly trying anything that can get me hurt, I throw up the facade, make a joke, hide behind a blanket of my own lies. It's a ridiculous existence and I refuse to live it anymore.
From this day forward there are going to be some major changes in my life. If I seem distant or different and this makes anyone reading this uneasy, unhappy, or just plain enrages you, you are just going to have to accept this and move on with your day.
If I tell you I can't see you, talk to you, or do something when & where you want me to, you will just have to accept that I am not doing it to be an asshole, I am doing it because my life, as it is, is not worth living.
I refuse to deal with pain, to cause it or accept into my life, and it is killing me by inches. It's hard to explain, and I fear that I am unable to put it into some witty, little package, make it easily digestible for folks looking at this and wondering what is wrong with me. I can throw out a quote from Equilibrium which I feel does justice to the outlying edges of what I'm going through, but who knows if you will understand...
"What's the point of your existence?"
"To feel. 'Cause you've never done it, you can never know it. But it's as vital as breath. And without it, without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock... ticking."
You may not know why this is new or hard for me. It may be an absolute truth for you, a lighthouse beacon in the dark of your life, but, for me, it has been the thing on the waves ahead of me that I refuse to swim to. I let the waves carry me back into the rocks over and over again, broken and bleeding, I just let myself sink into it. I know it's mostly been from fear, but, really, can it be any harder than this? Could I *possibly* be more miserable having known that I truly, with all my heart and soul, went for the things I wanted? Even if I fail, if I never get where I want to be, wouldn't it be better to have run the race and lost than to have sat on the sidelines hating everyone I saw run by?
All I know is that my life needs to be better, *I* need to be better than I have been, and that all starts today. I am sorry for those I will let down along the way, but this is something I have to do.
My words are a trap, I use them to keep myself exactly where I am, even if that place is one that makes me fucking miserable. Afraid of change, afraid of truly trying anything that can get me hurt, I throw up the facade, make a joke, hide behind a blanket of my own lies. It's a ridiculous existence and I refuse to live it anymore.
From this day forward there are going to be some major changes in my life. If I seem distant or different and this makes anyone reading this uneasy, unhappy, or just plain enrages you, you are just going to have to accept this and move on with your day.
If I tell you I can't see you, talk to you, or do something when & where you want me to, you will just have to accept that I am not doing it to be an asshole, I am doing it because my life, as it is, is not worth living.
I refuse to deal with pain, to cause it or accept into my life, and it is killing me by inches. It's hard to explain, and I fear that I am unable to put it into some witty, little package, make it easily digestible for folks looking at this and wondering what is wrong with me. I can throw out a quote from Equilibrium which I feel does justice to the outlying edges of what I'm going through, but who knows if you will understand...
"What's the point of your existence?"
"To feel. 'Cause you've never done it, you can never know it. But it's as vital as breath. And without it, without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock... ticking."
You may not know why this is new or hard for me. It may be an absolute truth for you, a lighthouse beacon in the dark of your life, but, for me, it has been the thing on the waves ahead of me that I refuse to swim to. I let the waves carry me back into the rocks over and over again, broken and bleeding, I just let myself sink into it. I know it's mostly been from fear, but, really, can it be any harder than this? Could I *possibly* be more miserable having known that I truly, with all my heart and soul, went for the things I wanted? Even if I fail, if I never get where I want to be, wouldn't it be better to have run the race and lost than to have sat on the sidelines hating everyone I saw run by?
All I know is that my life needs to be better, *I* need to be better than I have been, and that all starts today. I am sorry for those I will let down along the way, but this is something I have to do.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
09 Babbles 01
Okay, so it's been weeks since I've posted anything. Sue me. Actually, please don't sue me. I have enough money problems as it is.
I really haven't been doing that much in the last few weeks. The new job is crap, but the pay is decent, so I'll stick it out and hope that things do get better after the initial 6 months, as it seems to for many of the folk I've talked to from there. I answer phones and do tech support on satellite tv receivers. To say that old people are now the bane of my existence is an understatement.
We're supposed to get things done in a certain amount of time, which, you know, I understand. The faster we get one call done, the faster we can get on to the next customer and provide resolution for their issue, sure. My issue is, How do you expect to get a person to verbally walk an 80-something-year-old woman through using a remote control to verify orbital satellite locations, signal strengths, reset a receiver, and change wiring in the same amount of time that you expect someone else to mindlessly deep fry a bag of frozen French fries and "cook" a burger?
Bah, I'm there 6 days a week. I don't really want to spend all my time away from work talking about it.
"All my time away from work." There's a joke. My social life is in the terminal ward at Denver Health right now. The thing about needing to be at work at 4:45 is that it means I have to wake up at 3 a.m. Not exactly rocking the nightlife with a schedule like that. I'm so out of the loop on what is going on with my friends it's pathetic. The loop is no longer in my timezone. I believe Cleveland was the last location it was spotted, but I digress, randomly and without any sort of merit to what I'm saying...
I've been trying to make a new video for Youtube longer than I've been avoiding writing something on here. My brain has been in standby mode for the last couple weeks while my body tried to adjust to the shock of waking up & going to work on drug addict/vampire time. Seriously, I think I saw the cast of Twilight on my way into work last week. It was hard to tell while swerving my car to dodge the sea of adolescents waving posters and crying, but I think it was them.
I don't know, it just seems like every time I sit down to do anything creative, all I can think about are things that are annoying me about my life. Having yet another girl I know tell me she wished her boyfriend was more like me, dealing with working 6 days a week and how that drains me/kills my will to draw, watching people I love break when their sig other of 2 years decides that the day before Valentines Day is a good time to yank the ripcord and bail out of the relationship.
Who knows what's gonna happen from here, but you can be damn sure I'm not living like this forever...
I really should make a Youtube vid this weekend...
I really haven't been doing that much in the last few weeks. The new job is crap, but the pay is decent, so I'll stick it out and hope that things do get better after the initial 6 months, as it seems to for many of the folk I've talked to from there. I answer phones and do tech support on satellite tv receivers. To say that old people are now the bane of my existence is an understatement.
We're supposed to get things done in a certain amount of time, which, you know, I understand. The faster we get one call done, the faster we can get on to the next customer and provide resolution for their issue, sure. My issue is, How do you expect to get a person to verbally walk an 80-something-year-old woman through using a remote control to verify orbital satellite locations, signal strengths, reset a receiver, and change wiring in the same amount of time that you expect someone else to mindlessly deep fry a bag of frozen French fries and "cook" a burger?
Bah, I'm there 6 days a week. I don't really want to spend all my time away from work talking about it.
"All my time away from work." There's a joke. My social life is in the terminal ward at Denver Health right now. The thing about needing to be at work at 4:45 is that it means I have to wake up at 3 a.m. Not exactly rocking the nightlife with a schedule like that. I'm so out of the loop on what is going on with my friends it's pathetic. The loop is no longer in my timezone. I believe Cleveland was the last location it was spotted, but I digress, randomly and without any sort of merit to what I'm saying...
I've been trying to make a new video for Youtube longer than I've been avoiding writing something on here. My brain has been in standby mode for the last couple weeks while my body tried to adjust to the shock of waking up & going to work on drug addict/vampire time. Seriously, I think I saw the cast of Twilight on my way into work last week. It was hard to tell while swerving my car to dodge the sea of adolescents waving posters and crying, but I think it was them.
I don't know, it just seems like every time I sit down to do anything creative, all I can think about are things that are annoying me about my life. Having yet another girl I know tell me she wished her boyfriend was more like me, dealing with working 6 days a week and how that drains me/kills my will to draw, watching people I love break when their sig other of 2 years decides that the day before Valentines Day is a good time to yank the ripcord and bail out of the relationship.
Who knows what's gonna happen from here, but you can be damn sure I'm not living like this forever...
I really should make a Youtube vid this weekend...
Friday, January 16, 2009
All I Want to Do Is Eat Your Brains
So, a week into the new job, only 1 week into a 5-week training course, and it's going good so far. It's sort of like corporate summer camp, odd environment really. Can't tell if the people there really enjoy their jobs or they've all just drunk the kool-aid. Either way, seems like a good enough place to spend 40 or 50 hours a week and not go *completely* insane. I mean, I'm close enough to the edge as is, right? *grin*
Tonight, going to see Jonathan Coulton, which is just shiny. Nothing to start your weekend like a couple drinks, some music, and a couple laughs. Should be a good time.
I'm getting back in the swing of things art-wise, so I will post some stuff here in the coming weeks, as originally planned. The whole "getting fired/looking for a job" thing just sapped the creative juices right out of me and it's taken me a bit to get it back.
Doing my best to get over myself and my expectations of where I *should* be as an artist and just try and do my best with where I truly am. It's hard when the lofty goals you set for yourself you are so abysmally falling short of on the page. Though, I guess that's true of all artists.
Anyway, off to grab something to eat and figure out exactly what I'm doing before I take off for the show.
Don't drink the Kool-Aid, nothing good can come from men who want you to drink them.
Anthony Harris
Tonight, going to see Jonathan Coulton, which is just shiny. Nothing to start your weekend like a couple drinks, some music, and a couple laughs. Should be a good time.
I'm getting back in the swing of things art-wise, so I will post some stuff here in the coming weeks, as originally planned. The whole "getting fired/looking for a job" thing just sapped the creative juices right out of me and it's taken me a bit to get it back.
Doing my best to get over myself and my expectations of where I *should* be as an artist and just try and do my best with where I truly am. It's hard when the lofty goals you set for yourself you are so abysmally falling short of on the page. Though, I guess that's true of all artists.
Anyway, off to grab something to eat and figure out exactly what I'm doing before I take off for the show.
Don't drink the Kool-Aid, nothing good can come from men who want you to drink them.
Anthony Harris
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Getting Fired and Weekend Ramble.
It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm winding down from another unproductive day. It's all cups of warm tea, pajama bottom'd, and listening to little Sia/Zero 7/Broken Social Scene playlist I made. I needed the opportunity to let off a little steam and just have some fun. This weekend provided it in spades.
For those of you not in the know, I was let go from my job of the last 2 years on Friday of last week. Don't you just love that phrase? Let Go. Sounds so tame for what it really is, someone coming around to your desk, swift-kicking you in the mommy-daddy bag, and shoving your ass out the door.
"Good luck, kid. Hope you don't, you know, swallow a knife or something."
I digress...
Long story short, I no longer work for them and was forced out into the soul-crushing, butt-puckering world of employment acquisitions. Nothing more fun then plastering on that shit-eating grin and lying to potential employers.
"Oh, yes. I want to be here in five years! My life ambition is to hold down an entry-level position at your company. My childhood dreams be damned, I want 2 weeks off a year and mediocre medical/dental care!"
I mean, really, what do they want me to say?
"This job is nothing more than a paycheck to me. At most, I hope to only have to work here for a year or two in order to make enough of a name for myself to start making comics full-time."
I did acquire said needed new job and start on Monday. It's nothing that fantastic, but it will keep me in ramen and Crystal Light while I try to get back on my feet. I'm one of those people who believes that things happen for a reason, probably so I don't have to be so accountable for my inaction's, and, looking back on things, will probably be leagues happier with where my life is going right now.
What was I supposed to be talking about? This weekend, right!
Friday, highlight was meeting Christine, a friend from high school, and her clique for drinks at the Rio Downtown. I tend to forget that I seem to have a language all my own, so it's nice when I get to hang out with a group of people who speak Geek fluently. Haven't had a more chill night in recent memory. Didn't do much but drink margueritas, talk about nothing in particular, and head out for cupcakes and Chai Tea. It's just nice to be around people you feel like you "fit" with and don't have to put up any sort of facade.
Today, just spent the day hanging out with my friend, Mike. We went to lunch at Red Robin, where I indulged in a heart attack burger and chocolate shake. From there, it was off to Best Buy to grab Left 4 Dead and play that back at his place.
Really, just an escapist weekend, but, sometimes, you just need to get out of your head for a bit to realise that it's all gonna be okay.
For those of you not in the know, I was let go from my job of the last 2 years on Friday of last week. Don't you just love that phrase? Let Go. Sounds so tame for what it really is, someone coming around to your desk, swift-kicking you in the mommy-daddy bag, and shoving your ass out the door.
"Good luck, kid. Hope you don't, you know, swallow a knife or something."
I digress...
Long story short, I no longer work for them and was forced out into the soul-crushing, butt-puckering world of employment acquisitions. Nothing more fun then plastering on that shit-eating grin and lying to potential employers.
"Oh, yes. I want to be here in five years! My life ambition is to hold down an entry-level position at your company. My childhood dreams be damned, I want 2 weeks off a year and mediocre medical/dental care!"
I mean, really, what do they want me to say?
"This job is nothing more than a paycheck to me. At most, I hope to only have to work here for a year or two in order to make enough of a name for myself to start making comics full-time."
I did acquire said needed new job and start on Monday. It's nothing that fantastic, but it will keep me in ramen and Crystal Light while I try to get back on my feet. I'm one of those people who believes that things happen for a reason, probably so I don't have to be so accountable for my inaction's, and, looking back on things, will probably be leagues happier with where my life is going right now.
What was I supposed to be talking about? This weekend, right!
Friday, highlight was meeting Christine, a friend from high school, and her clique for drinks at the Rio Downtown. I tend to forget that I seem to have a language all my own, so it's nice when I get to hang out with a group of people who speak Geek fluently. Haven't had a more chill night in recent memory. Didn't do much but drink margueritas, talk about nothing in particular, and head out for cupcakes and Chai Tea. It's just nice to be around people you feel like you "fit" with and don't have to put up any sort of facade.
Today, just spent the day hanging out with my friend, Mike. We went to lunch at Red Robin, where I indulged in a heart attack burger and chocolate shake. From there, it was off to Best Buy to grab Left 4 Dead and play that back at his place.
Really, just an escapist weekend, but, sometimes, you just need to get out of your head for a bit to realise that it's all gonna be okay.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy New Year!
Hey, Everyone!
As a step in the direction of forcing myself to write on something resembling a regular basis, which, you may have guessed is one of my resolutions, I have decided to contaminate the web by committing electrons to passing along my psychosis in the form of this shiny, new blog.
Not being tragically lazy, or deluded enough to believe myself anything close to perfect, I am forced to sit down and reflect upon the past year and start the new one in as self-destructive a manner as I can think of, namely: New Years Resolutions.
Join me, won't you, in naming the things I will regret not having accomplished in 365. *grin*
1) Draw Comics!
I am an aspiring comic book artist. I've let other people, and my own insecurities ( I don't have issues, I have subscriptions), get in the way of me accomplishing this goal for far too long. 2009 is going to be the year I start taking matters into my own hands and just draw some damn books.
2) Stand Up For Myself.
Less a matter of actually being able to confront people, more of me needing to learn to pay attention to what I need and just go after it. Being too much of a nice guy makes one a doormat. Being a doormat for too long makes one cynical and spiteful. I spent a lot of my free time in my life making other people feel good about themselves and letting my life go to shit. That needs to end. I like making people happy, but I think that will be easier to achieve and feel good about if I'm happy myself. Logical, right? Downright obvious and I might be slightly nonfunctional in the brain department? True, true.
3) Write.
No, I don't believe the ramblings of crazy people ( ie: me) will lead to the next great, American novel, but I enjoy writing and it's something I would like to get back to. Yes, I know anyone reading this will notice, at best, a tenuous grasp of grammar, spelling, and punctuation, but I don't care. Whether or not anyone will get the chance to read it, that is a whole 'nother can of worms. You know, other than this blog, of course.
4) Lose Weight. (This one is a prerequisite for even making a New Years list, isn't it?)
Yes, I am on the chubby side of the fence. No, I'm not as doughy as I was before (lost about 40 pounds in the last 3 or 4 months. It's still on my list, though. Weight loss is a continuing goal, so, I guess, I'll just continue to aim for it.
5) Learn To Play Guitar.
I love to learn new things and try to make it a point to concentrate on one new thing a year. I've wanted to play guitar for years and I think this would be a fun one for me to aim for in '09. Plus, then I could annoy people by singing oddly-disturbing songs for them at inopportune times! Bonus!
6) Be More Organized.
I think the organizational skills I've tried to foster over the last year have started to take and I think keeping things in perspective, setting goals, making plans and following through will (duh) really help me to get my life on track.
It may not be the most interesting list, but it's mine. I'll try to be something like entertaining in the future. I hope everyone out there in internet land had a great New Years and achieves all that they set out to in '09.
Hugs then Restraining Orders,
Anthony Harris
As a step in the direction of forcing myself to write on something resembling a regular basis, which, you may have guessed is one of my resolutions, I have decided to contaminate the web by committing electrons to passing along my psychosis in the form of this shiny, new blog.
Not being tragically lazy, or deluded enough to believe myself anything close to perfect, I am forced to sit down and reflect upon the past year and start the new one in as self-destructive a manner as I can think of, namely: New Years Resolutions.
Join me, won't you, in naming the things I will regret not having accomplished in 365. *grin*
1) Draw Comics!
I am an aspiring comic book artist. I've let other people, and my own insecurities ( I don't have issues, I have subscriptions), get in the way of me accomplishing this goal for far too long. 2009 is going to be the year I start taking matters into my own hands and just draw some damn books.
2) Stand Up For Myself.
Less a matter of actually being able to confront people, more of me needing to learn to pay attention to what I need and just go after it. Being too much of a nice guy makes one a doormat. Being a doormat for too long makes one cynical and spiteful. I spent a lot of my free time in my life making other people feel good about themselves and letting my life go to shit. That needs to end. I like making people happy, but I think that will be easier to achieve and feel good about if I'm happy myself. Logical, right? Downright obvious and I might be slightly nonfunctional in the brain department? True, true.
3) Write.
No, I don't believe the ramblings of crazy people ( ie: me) will lead to the next great, American novel, but I enjoy writing and it's something I would like to get back to. Yes, I know anyone reading this will notice, at best, a tenuous grasp of grammar, spelling, and punctuation, but I don't care. Whether or not anyone will get the chance to read it, that is a whole 'nother can of worms. You know, other than this blog, of course.
4) Lose Weight. (This one is a prerequisite for even making a New Years list, isn't it?)
Yes, I am on the chubby side of the fence. No, I'm not as doughy as I was before (lost about 40 pounds in the last 3 or 4 months. It's still on my list, though. Weight loss is a continuing goal, so, I guess, I'll just continue to aim for it.
5) Learn To Play Guitar.
I love to learn new things and try to make it a point to concentrate on one new thing a year. I've wanted to play guitar for years and I think this would be a fun one for me to aim for in '09. Plus, then I could annoy people by singing oddly-disturbing songs for them at inopportune times! Bonus!
6) Be More Organized.
I think the organizational skills I've tried to foster over the last year have started to take and I think keeping things in perspective, setting goals, making plans and following through will (duh) really help me to get my life on track.
It may not be the most interesting list, but it's mine. I'll try to be something like entertaining in the future. I hope everyone out there in internet land had a great New Years and achieves all that they set out to in '09.
Hugs then Restraining Orders,
Anthony Harris
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
