Wednesday, March 11, 2009


I'm a pretty intelligent person. That fact is, perhaps, my biggest downfall. I am a good speaker. I can weave excuses together into a tapestry of reasons why I should not or can not do the things I truly want.

My words are a trap, I use them to keep myself exactly where I am, even if that place is one that makes me fucking miserable. Afraid of change, afraid of truly trying anything that can get me hurt, I throw up the facade, make a joke, hide behind a blanket of my own lies. It's a ridiculous existence and I refuse to live it anymore.

From this day forward there are going to be some major changes in my life. If I seem distant or different and this makes anyone reading this uneasy, unhappy, or just plain enrages you, you are just going to have to accept this and move on with your day.

If I tell you I can't see you, talk to you, or do something when & where you want me to, you will just have to accept that I am not doing it to be an asshole, I am doing it because my life, as it is, is not worth living.

I refuse to deal with pain, to cause it or accept into my life, and it is killing me by inches. It's hard to explain, and I fear that I am unable to put it into some witty, little package, make it easily digestible for folks looking at this and wondering what is wrong with me. I can throw out a quote from Equilibrium which I feel does justice to the outlying edges of what I'm going through, but who knows if you will understand...

"What's the point of your existence?"
"To feel. 'Cause you've never done it, you can never know it. But it's as vital as breath. And without it, without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock... ticking."

You may not know why this is new or hard for me. It may be an absolute truth for you, a lighthouse beacon in the dark of your life, but, for me, it has been the thing on the waves ahead of me that I refuse to swim to. I let the waves carry me back into the rocks over and over again, broken and bleeding, I just let myself sink into it. I know it's mostly been from fear, but, really, can it be any harder than this? Could I *possibly* be more miserable having known that I truly, with all my heart and soul, went for the things I wanted? Even if I fail, if I never get where I want to be, wouldn't it be better to have run the race and lost than to have sat on the sidelines hating everyone I saw run by?

All I know is that my life needs to be better, *I* need to be better than I have been, and that all starts today. I am sorry for those I will let down along the way, but this is something I have to do.

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